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February 26 learning processing_ loading...57% Another new day that God created; i woke up with swollen and dry eyes. My eyes can barely open and my heart is empty. "again," i thought my heart started filled with anger. last night, i was pain all over my heart and mind. i cried so hard, and felt helpless. i have no idea, all i did is denied myself and became negative again. i tried so hard to not to fall into darkness again. Praise the Lord, Yusuke was on the phone, he kept telling me how much God loves me and He didn't die for nothing. it milted my heart, so i cried harder. till i have head ached. so i talked to May till 5 in the morning. we shared, we tried to understand each other, and we have talked for the longest time since i met her. i know, God changed something between may and i. and i know, even though we have to go though this painful way to reach where we are right now, but God is always there and watching over us. I was broken last night, i cried and cried. till a point i want to stop but i can't. so i started pray, i asked God why He allow this happened? and why me?? then God showed me, Jesus been though all these. God used May asked me, isn't that i want to become a leader? and i asked myself, can i handle more? its gonna get worse when i become a leader. and i thought about how Jesus been go thoguh. He must feel the same way as i do. feel depression, don't know what to do, sadness, being misunderstanding, no one want to listen to Him, even kill Him. but devil has played my emotion. i still have great anger inside of me i felt like, why me again? so you didn't do anything wrong? and u always perfect? different people from different back ground, there's nothing to be compare with. we are all in the same stage, we are all learning, so how dare u say that to me? i never tell people what to do or try to change them, because only God can. who are you that can tell me what to do ? what now? you think you are old enough to deal with your peers? i didn't say anything or do anything doesn't mean i am not MEAN enough to do becasue i know i am different .. from my past. i want to stop all that retaliate actions that i used love to do. yes, i am different yes, stop thinking then i fall sleep. till today. so back to the beginning, where my eyes still dry and ugly. i have anger inside of me still and i can feel it grow bigger .. i don't want to forgive, and i want to do something to hurt whoever hurts me i tried so hard and i even give up myself just to please you? but God is amazing. there is the difference between the people who love God and the people who don't know God. God changed me already. at the afternoon. God treated me mango, made me feel much better and started putting lots praising songs in my mind. non stop, so i got my i pod and started singing while i walked back to my dorm i sing and people looked at me funny or weird. but i don't care. because i love Him and He wanted to cheer me up. after all. God started sending angels around me talked to me, cared about me He want me to know i am not alone and my heart got soft and started crying again while i was talking to Jack. so i finally got released by what Jack told me. funny, i can always obey whatever Jack told me. and devil know that, so before Jack reply, i don't feel want to talk to him at all but then, thank God, Jack you talk to me so, i feel much better.. with God's love and family, friends warm caring and supporting. so much love and.. i still remember the sermon i heard from few weeks before. Don't listen to the voice of criticism, doubt, limitation, and selfishness. Only listen to the voice of faith. only been few weeks, how can i forget all these? see, i got played by my mind and devil. but, God is greater than these things. FOCUS on the right thing. I need to reestablish my mind and life, let God control over my emotion and decisions. and something very interesting that Timu have told me: "that's why they say, friends are just like the sand in your swiming suit" kinda funny, he said he heard this from last Sunday. God, You always use different ways to comfort us don't You? anyhow, i know i am still in the learning process, where God is still dealing with my darkness, and my mind. Change for the better, i guess i am in the loading ....57% prayer prayer prayer i need to start fast and pray early in the morning stand still and have party about all things that happened. cause You love me still PS. Thank you Jasmin, Timu, Jack, May, Yusuke, mommy, Howard, Amy, Frank, Joy, and school friends. Special Thanks to Jesus. because You are good Comments (2)
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